Viet Nam Adoption Vietnam Adoption, Asia Adoption - Will the cute comments someday become ugly?

10/12/07

Will the cute comments someday become ugly?

Posted by : Rebecca in Viet Nam Adoption Blog at 10:13 am , 456 words, 135 views
Categories: Parenting

While walking through the mall recently a pair of women walked past my family and gasped loudly “Oh, how cute!” I smiled in their direction, then asked my husband, “They meant Ella, right?” There were no puppies or kittens around, so I realized that the compliment was directed towards my daughter. She gets this kind of attention ALL the time, and it makes me wonder if and when this unsolicited attention is going to grate on her.

Don’t get me wrong, I think she’s the most beautiful girl on the planet and deserves to be adored. But I have read many accounts of Asian adoptees feeling singled out and different because of the extra attention they get in public. Comments from total strangers can make anyone feel uncomfortable, and for someone who may be having issues with fitting in, comments about their "different" appearance can be too much to bear. Ella’s too young now to know what others are saying, but it won’t be long before she understands. I don’t ever want her to feel like she is only valued because of her beauty, and I hope that she will have confidence in herself and know that she is beautiful inside and out.

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I get multiple comments on her physical appearance just about every time we step foot outside of our house. I notice that I almost always respond with a thank you, like I had anything to do with how adorable she is. Well, I most likely was the one to dress her and do her hair, but still… I know the gushers mean well, but I always try to counter their compliment with one of my own. I’ll tell them what a good girl she is, or how smart or funny she is.

As she grows I will take her lead and try and remedy any situation that makes her uncomfortable. I have read that open communication and role playing can greatly help a child learn how to react in certain situations. But, above all, as her mom I just want to protect her. I’ll take the comments about her physical beauty and her likeness to a doll like bullets if it will make her feel more comfortable. Come to think of it, I already do because I worry about the constant barrage of oohs and ahhs that may make an older Miss Ella uneasy.

If you’ve experienced constant comments like these, how did you handle it? If you have older children, are they bothered by such comments?

More Reading:
Saying Too Much
How Much Did She Cost?

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9 comments

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Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

a tough one, for sure! One of our boys was blessed with a lot of physical beauty. not handsomeness, tho he is that as well. but as a baby, toddler, pre-schooler and elementary aged kiddo, he was beautiful. angelic looking. not acting tho, he was the definition of a wild thing.

anyhow, on to my real point. He received a lot of attention and comments. Around age 7, he threatened to cut off his eye lashes if anyone else ever said anything about them. SO, never another word was spoken aloud. I thought it was a boy thing.

Several years later, a good friend of mind had a little girl, same thing. Beautiful and amazing child. well behaved too! and incredibly long eye lashes. around age 7, this child also promised to cut off her eye lashes.

The comments from parents have the most impact on the child. The ones from strangers can morph from a response of "thank you" to "oh my" or "well now," with the same tone. That's usually enough for the kid to feel okay with things.

My friends' little girl is now in 7th grade. She is still gorgeous, long and lean. amazingly talented. Our David graduated from high school this past May. He's way too hairy to ever be considered beautiful anymore. Neither one of them has ever cut their eye-lashes!

Permalink 10/12/07 @ 10:54

Comment from: Lisa [Member]

· http://guatemala.adoptionblogs.com

Everywhere we go people stop and make nice remarks about Ella. Like you, Rebecca, I say thank you, which is the best response to any compliment. I dont' think these compliments are damaging, will go to their head, or be an issue unless we, as parents, make an issue of it. Learning how to accept a compliment graciously is part of life and we can start teaching them young!

JMHO and I'm sticking to it.
Lisa (the other ELla's Mommie)

Permalink 10/12/07 @ 11:44

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

most babies,toddlers and little kids do a lot of cute things and receive their fare share of positive comments. Most parents feel their children are the best on the planet. No exceptions here!

Some children tho, have what could be considered "unearned wealth" in certain areas. Our culture has issues with wealth, physical beauty, or exceptional intellect. It has the potential to trouble a child, or even ruin them, if allowed to go too far. Folks can fawn. People who have no vested interest in the outcome of the child. It can be quite invasive.

The parent must move to help their child manage unwanted attention, learn to set healthy boundaries, and develop a positive self-image based in reality and hard work. Real life contributions. Most kids, at some point, simply wish to blend in with their peers and be a normal kid.

None of us can really take credit for our little packages, regardless of where they came from. It's not like we filled out a form requesting the specifics!

Permalink 10/12/07 @ 13:48

Comment from: JA [Member]

Our son (Guatemalan) also gets huge amounts of attention, and I also just say, "thank you". I was never sure if that was the right response, so I'm glad to hear that others say it too!
I talked about this issue with one of our (adult) family members who was adopted from Korea. She understood my concerns, but she herself hadn't had any issues with unwanted attention or feeling singled out as a child - at least not in terms of the "cute" issue (and she was a super-cute kid!). So now I don't let the cute comments worry me too much.
Of course, I'm sure a lot depends on the kid's personality - speaking of cutting eyelashes, I made my mother cut my hair short at age 3 or 4, because I was tired of people tugging on my bouncy curls! I think introverts (like me) don't care for the extra attention, and extraverts (like my family member) are just fine with it.

Permalink 10/12/07 @ 14:16

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

Our boy, David, was an extrovert. The world loved him, and he loved it right back.

One incident stands out, we had gone to the dentist. The office staff was mooning over three year old David, with an obligatory nod to 9 yr old Samantha as a good big sis. Our quiet five yr old Eric hung shyly back, but tugged on my arm, whispered in my ear, "Mom, tell them I'm five!" David was playing to the crowd, holding up three small fingers, flashing a huge smile, curly mop bouncing. this went on and on. We finally extracted ourselves.

Some time later, Samantha asked me, "Mom, when the new baby comes, will it get more attention than David?" (I was about 6 months prego) I told her probably so, as most times whoever is smallest gets the most attention. She replied with a hearty, "Good!!"

I laughed and thought it was a jealous big sis comment. Turns out tho, she was worried David would be ruined. She was a kid aged 9 going on 29. The attention did eventually cause David to become uncomfortable, which he was able to clearly articulate!

Bottom line? as a parent, follow your gut!

Permalink 10/12/07 @ 15:41

Comment from: romee_1101 [Member]

Interesting blog. They had an article in adoptive parent mag about this, and the argument was that the attention hid subtle racism. I didn't particularly agree on that point, but it was worth noting.

Anyway, my little guy also gets a lot of attention. I had one woman say she came all the way across the grocery store because of his eyes. I find that some people are absolutely mesmerized by him, while others just think he is cute and move on. Two high school girls stopped me while I was walking with him and raved about how "hot" he would be when he grew up. I thought "Oh, Oh" - guess he will be living in the closet until he is 40 :)

Romee

Permalink 10/13/07 @ 06:05

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

it's primarily a beautiful child issue. the adoption component adds an additional dimension to consider. being a teachers' kid adds yet another layer of issues to deal with.....it's good Rebecca is thinking about this now. My only regret was: not realizing we had an issue until my kid was protesting so loudly. His big sister figured it out before his mom did!

Permalink 10/13/07 @ 09:23

Comment from: scarlet moon 13 [Member]

We all know that this may have issues for a child later. But the people bestowing complements aren't trying to be mean.

As my mother said to me when I was little, when someones says you are pretty, just say thank you. That really may be all they mean.

I have six grandkids, 3 are girls, so I tend to say, to well behaved kids, how cute or pretty, depending on whether it is a boy or girl. I talk to screaming babies, sometimes, if I am lucky, it helps, sometimes it doesn't.

good luck

Permalink 10/13/07 @ 11:31

Comment from: sarah_engelbrecht [Member]

Sienna gets the same attention all the time! I just say "thank you" as well. My mother told me that while out with Sienna and my nephew she got tons of attention and no one looked twice at him (so she made a big deal about how good he was with her). I hope it never becomes a jealousy issue, but I'm sure it may in time...

I have personally never stalked a family through a store or walked up to them and attempt to accost their child and several have with us. I guess I just tend to look and then make a comment to my hubby to also look. I just find it odd that people think it is OK to walk up to you and start a convo while you are trying to do something else...Oh well

Permalink 10/14/07 @ 19:51

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