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It absolutely blows my mind that some families do not support their family member’s decision to adopt. They do not support a new child entering the family because that child will be different. The fact that they do not welcome a child; any child, into their family is sickening to me. It’s sickening because the reason they are most likely shunning the adoptive family is because they now include someone who has a different skin color, is a different race, comes from an unknown background, is disabled…sadly, the list could go on and on.
I personally have friends and acquaintances whose families decided to disown them or their new child due to their new status as an adoptive family. I have been incredibly impressed by how they have dealt with the stress and hurt of their situations. Despite their own disappointment in their family, they have all decided to do their best to let it go and focus on their own family and their children. They chose not to put their children in toxic settings where they would not be welcomed and are always looking out for their children’s best interests.
Situations like these once again call up the need to find outside support when your family refuses to give it. We all know that blood is not what makes a family, and we need not place all of our eggs in the biological family basket. I’m not trying to make light of a very hard, very sad situation, but it does all come down to the kids. Providing them with a support system of people who accept and love them will hopefully ease some of the sting out of being refused by their family.
If your family does not support your decision to adopt or your adopted child, please reach out and find support elsewhere. Join adoption support groups and playgroups. Attend adoption related events where you can meet other families who will accept your family as normal. Join online adoption groups and tell your story; sadly, I guarantee you that there are others in similar situations that can commiserate with you.
Related Links:
Does Your Family Accept Your Decision to Adopt?
Explaining Adoption to your Children, Family and Friends
Thank you and loved the blog!!
My husband and I have dealt with “not so happy” family members since deciding to adopt our foster child. It bothered us at first but we have since accepted that we can not please everyone! We have seen so much progress in our child that any “bad vibes” we get from others doesn’t even measure up to the good we see happening!! (hope that sentence made sense)
One of the things of which I’ve been most proud and which has (and continues) to provide me with deep satisfaction is mothering. I love being a mother and my children tell me that I am good at it. Since they are grown and living on their own now, I have seriously considered adoption. My bio children have encouraged me to do so. A major impediment has been the attitude of my extended family members, most of whom live in another state, but who are still part of our lives. They simply would not accept a child of another “race.” This outrages me and my first thought is to dig my heels in and tell them that if they can’t accept my family, they can’t have a relationship with me. However, I wonder what this would do to my adopted child. He/She would hear family stories and anecdotes from my other children and it is highly likely that he/she would come to know why we didn’t ever visit the family. I can’t help but think that no matter how hard I tried to explain things and talk about feelings, the child would end up feeling badly about him/herself. This has always given me pause. What do you think?
hi beachlady – you make perfect sense
You’re absolutely right that it is impossible to please everyone and I’m so glad that you sound so happy. After all, you are doing what’s best for you, your child and your family-good for you!
Take care,
Rebecca
Hi Thomasina,
First, I am so glad to hear that your children are supportive of you adding another sibling to the family. Second, I’m so sorry (and angry) that you have to deal with such close minded extended family members.
I understand your concerns about how to handle the situation. I’ve learned and read a lot from others in your situation~many times the family members come around and wind up falling absolutely in love with the child once they are home and more “real” to them. But other times they don’t and they will continue to shun and hurt you and your child.
If I were in your shoes I think I would keep the door (slightly) open with the whole family for now. After your child is home, surround yourselves with your other kids and supportive people. Then you could think about giving your other relatives a chance to meet and get to know your new child. Depending on how that goes (if they even agree to the meeting), you can take it from there.
I would think that although your child may worry and feel badly about themselves because there are extended family members who don’t accept them, they will feel extra special and loved by all the wonderful people who surround them on a daily and regular basis. You and the others who will love him or her will have a much greater impact than relatives who live far away and are a negative force.
If you need to distance yourself from the negative relatives, your child will know that you did it to protect them because you wouldn’t stand for anyone hurting or looking down on him or her.
You will build new memories and before you know it, your new stories will become standard dinner table talk.
I hope my rambling makes some sense
Best of luck!!!
Rebecca