Viet Nam Adoptive Family Interviews : An Introduction

Can you talk about how your parent-child bond formed/changed from the time you first met until today?

The Engelbrecht Family - Sienna was very easy to bond with. She formed bond before we left Viet Nam and she has just deepened those. She 'checks in' a lot and looks for support now.

Christina - When I first met Zeeb, I thought he was a cute little boy but he didn’t feel like *mine*… in part I think because he was with his foster family and he was clearly very bonded to them. But even in those first weeks he was with us, it still felt a little like we were babysitting him (and at times I wondered when he would go home already!) … the bonding was slow and not as immediate as it felt with our daughter. (though even with her I know it took months to feel that she was completely attached to us and we to her) It was hard, not knowing what all his facial expressions meant, and especially with the language barrier. He would get frustrated when we didn’t understand him and it made him seem less like mine because we didn’t even speak the same language. Now that he has transitioned completely to English things are so much easier. And of course after almost 8 months home, we just know each other so much better. I remember one day, just a few weeks ago, I picked him up and I noticed that he wrapped his legs around me… it was the first time he really clung to me with his whole body. I thought, “now he feels like mine.” But there have been many moments like that over the last 8 months and I think it’s sort of like falling in love –you think you can’t love your spouse more but then you realize the love you have is deeper and stronger than it was before.

The Mynes Family - There’s something about seeing your child for the first time that brings this overwhelming emotion. For us, some of it was love but some was fear. Wondering if we can possibly truly love this child that isn’t physically ours. I really don’t know what to say about this. It’s an emotion I can’t really express into words. In the beginning we did love Leland but it was a different kind of love than now. It was hard especially when he’s screaming and you don’t know what to do with him. You think that you made a mistake and you’re not a good parent because you’re frustrated. As time went on we did start becoming really attached. Now I love Leland sooo much I sometimes can’t hold it all in (that’s when he gets lots of kisses.) We could not even imagine our lives without him!

The Micheline Family – This was very difficult for me because Tom went to Vietnam to get Gracie and I stayed home to oversee closing on our new house and moving from a very small condo to the house we had been waiting to move into for literally years.

In many ways, Gracie saw Tom as her savior. She really bonded with him almost immediately, and the two were very attached and completely "in sync" by the time they got home. Gracie saw me as some nervous, strange woman who lived with the two of them. It was a very long time until she identified me as another parent, and although everyone tried to convince me it wasn't that way at all, you can tell what your child is feeling. The turning point with us was when she started walking- because I have mobility issues, I couldn't do a lot of carrying and picking Gracie up when she was crawling. So she learned pretty quickly if she wanted up, go to Daddy. When Gracie finally got steady on her feet, Tom began to not pick her up or carry her except in certain situations (when we go out or when she has an explosive diaper!) Ever since Tom began to pick her up less, we've both become equal in Gracie's eyes. I think the best moments I have had with her is when she comes to me instead of Tom- it sound selfish, but after months and months of a little bit of rejection, it's so nice to know that when she gets a bump, only mommy's kisses can make it better, and when she wants to sing a song, only mommy can hear it.

Bottom line- it's important to balance the caregiving and responses to a baby. I think if we had known how fast things would change after Tom stopped carrying Gracie all over the house, he would have stopped carrying her much sooner. It just equalized us in her eyes, and we both became parents with different things to offer her and different ways of showing love to her.

Next: "Adjusting to Life at Home"

Related Reading:
The Power of Time
Not a Baby Anymore
Bonding is Soothing

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