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I have a lot to learn. I have spent some time recently reading the blogs of adult transracial adoptees, birthparents and other adoptive parents. I will reiterate: I have a lot to learn. We all do. It can be difficult for adoptive parents to take a step back and look at adoption through eyes that are not their own. It is hard to hear from others who have been negatively affected by adoption. But I think it is necessary. Not that I agree with everything I read, but it does open my mind as well as my eyes. And you can’t go wrong with reading new information; whether it makes you nod in agreement or want to throw a raging, blazing fit.
How else am I going to help my daughter as she grows if I have no idea about what goes on in other people’s experiences? I know from my own life experiences that things will not always be ok; things don’t always happen for a reason, and life is extremely unfair. I want to learn all I can and try to understand different people’s points of view so I can try and wrap my head around the entire world that is adoption.
I do believe in adoption, but I do not believe that it is 100% positive or 100% negative. It is complicated. It is ridiculously complicated and the ones who get left with the brunt of all the complicated-ness are the adoptees themselves. There are many viciously anti-adoption people out there and many who sing the praises of adoption. I definitely lean towards the singing group, but I am aware (and trying to become more aware) that not all adoption stories are positive ones.
I see adoption themed shirts and things and usually think they’re cute. Then I hear how adult adoptees view them as offensive and it makes me doubt their cute-ness, and more so, my reaction to them. Who’s right? Is anyone ever right? I ride the waves of pride and guilt and need to be careful not to let the overwhelming emotions of an adoptive parent who thinks too much consume me.
For me and my family I am trying to be the best parent I can be. In my daughter’s specific situation, her only other option in life would have been to age out of a government run institution and fend for herself. Instead she lives here with us and we are all beyond smitten with each other. But just as I try not to let that euphoria cloud my eyes, I need to be careful not to let the guilt and fear darken them.
I would love to hear anyone’s thoughts on this…what have you learned that has been surprising to you? Have your views on adoption changed? If you’re an adoptive parent, do you read the words of adult adoptees and birthparents? How have their experiences affected you?
Related Links:
Did I Grieve?
What Would Your T-Shirt Say About Adoption?
Everything I’ve learned has changed my views. I’ve gone from not knowing anything to knowing about RAD, international adoption and the process of it, atttachment. Right now I’m trying to learn why children adopted at older than 2 or 3 years seem to have more problems attaching and adjusting than children adopted at an early age.
I’ve learned why it’s not a good idea to go into adopting because of the desire to save a child, to not have expectations that are to rosy-eyed because we do live in the real world and that it is a hard difficult process from start to finish, but worth it.
I also learned some adoptees do not like the phrase “gotcha day”
I don’t completely no way, I think it’s a bit too cutesy and kitchy and I hate things that are kitchy like a few of these t shirts, but I may never understand the rage behind them.
Mostly it seems the best one can do is to go into this with their eyes fully open. I don’t think a person can just lapse and sleepwalk through their child’s childhood, even disciplining is different and difficult because aperson can’t just hit or time out but really think things out.
I think it will be OK when I have my son with me because I will consider these things and give him a save place to feel what ever he feels even if it hurts me a bit.
I just cannot totally understand the people who want to completely ban adoption. Especially international adoption. The alternatives are so much worse. I don’t want to sound racist or fascist, but what I’ve read in places is too scary to think about.
I think a lot of the rage grown up international adoptees feel comes from the attitudes people had in the past and the fact that people just didn’t know these things. What scares me is all the stuff I don’t know and whether what little I’m learning will be enough when the time comes….
thank you so much for sharing!!! Isn’t it amazing how much information is at our fingertips? There is always something new to learn, and to make us think!
Take care,
Rebecca