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Actually, the title of this post should be “The Assumptions People Make About How a Parent-Child Relationship Was Formed, and the Assumptions I Make Right Back at Them” but that’s just too long. I (and most transracial adoptive parents I know) talk and unnecessarily concern ourselves with how other people think or might possibly think about our families. It’s a good thing to have those thoughts shaken up a bit, and that’s exactly what happened to me last week.
Ella and I were having a lovely time at the grocery store picking up a few things. As long as the trip is timed right (not interfering with a nap or meal,) she really is a wonderful shopping partner. As we were debating over which size bag of rice to buy a fellow shopper became stuck next to us. She couldn’t get her cart through due to other shoppers, so she turned and said hi to Ella. Miss Ella started acting shy then realized that this woman had glasses on and Ella pantomimed that she should remove them. As any grandma would do, this complete stranger did whatever Ella asked.
Their little interaction led to some basic small talk about how old she is, and so on. Then this woman said something along the lines of “My daughter’s raising Eurasian kids too.” Turns out her son in law is Taiwanese, so her grand kids are half Caucasian and half Taiwanese. We eventually parted ways when I realized that she had said “too.” She assumed that Ella was my biological daughter. To my knowledge this has never happened before. I’m usually over defending my child in my head to any anti-adoption sentiments that may come my way. But it had never occurred to me that people might not think that she was adopted.
The assumption didn’t leave me feeling any different than before, but it did make me think, and I appreciate that woman for shaking me up a little bit. Perhaps by making my own assumptions that people are going to assume and say hurtful things to me, I’m not always able to receive the positive affirmations too. As my dear husband would say “When you assume, you make an *insert another name for donkey here* out of you and me.”
More Reading:
Are you Ready to Never Blend in Again?
How Much Did She Cost?
This reminds me of a blog that grant wrote not too long ago about Meg Ryan being concerned about whether people were looking at her newly adopted child because she was adopted or because she was just cute. My son and I ran into a Caucasian woman and her Asian daughter at a department store once. I couldn’t help but look at the child simply because she was so beautiful and talkative. I didn’t assume that she was the woman’s biological or adopted child. It didn’t matter. She was a beautiful child who obviously loved the woman dearly and had been raised to be confident enough to speak to other children and adults.
While the woman may have wondered or assumed what I thought about the child’s origin, all I really thought was what a wonderfully well adjusted child she was raising.
My husband and I love to watch young families (happy ones anyhow) at the store. We try not to oogle too much, ’cause we don’t want them to think we’re weird. It has little to do with the racial component, only the beauty of the family unit. One of the reasons we’re so taken with your Ella is our daughter is engaged to a Chinese man from Malaysia. He and Ella have similar chubby cheeks, and we’re very much looking forward to adorable grandchildren. Not for a few more years tho…..
I think its great that you are pointing this out. I have been one of those asumers. My now very good friends husband is a principle (he is white) and when I saw his asian daughter I thought she must be adopted until I saw her asian mommy! I never said anything thankfully but it made me think, NEVER ASUME LADY! lol She is a great friend now and actually was a 3 month old in the plane crash for operation baby lift.
-Kris
I used to assume “biological” until I adopted. Now I just wonder only because I have adopted.
It surprises me when people are surprised (in this day and age) that people can and do have biological children who are mixed race and don’t look “white” like their mommy or their daddy.
Ahh well.
Romee
thank you all for your insights and experiences~I appreciate you sharing!