I’ll bet that many would expect the title of my post today to be “Life Without Cole,” but my world exists with him in it, whether he’s here in person or not. I have my life and my family because of him and he is always here with me as I survive each day. His spirit is one with mine, just as he is with his daddy.

Today is my son Cole’s second birthday. It has been two long and short years since we were able to see and hold our baby for the first and last time on this Earth. These years have been so remarkably hard, yet (surprisingly to me) they have also been filled with so much joy. I don’t foresee living as a loss parent to get any easier, but I do expect my ability to experience joy to increase. I see joy every time I see Ella smile back at me or scream in defiance and I am often left in awe that she continues to live and breathe. Even if I wanted to, there isn’t a second that I could take for granted with her. My son taught me that her life; all life, is precious and comes with no guarantees. He has given me the opportunity to learn many lessons, including my capacity to love. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do to have him here giggling and playing with me, but on my good days I continue to try and remember to appreciate all that he has given me.

My husband and I believe that Cole played a huge part in our adoption journey and he continues to be with us down this parenting road. We feel that he knew Ella even before we did. We talk about him frequently and tell her about her big brother who we miss so dearly. We’re all one big family-whether you can see us all or not.

Happy birthday my baby boy.