Unless your family already consists of an adopted child (or children), they’ll probably be completely unaware (and possibly resistant) to ideas concerning adopted children and attachment. There are many schools of thought on this topic, but I definitely feel that the first few months home with a new child are extremely important in terms of their attaching to their new parents. Extended and immediate family members may not completely understand why newly adopted children may be treated differently than a biological child, so it is our job to teach them.

I feel tremendously lucky that as a Viet Nam mom, I got to spend three weeks with my daughter before returning home with her. This greatly facilitated her attachment to my husband and I and gave us the opportunity to just be the three of us for awhile. After things settled down, we also tried to be the only ones to feed and comfort her, so she would learn that we were the ones to count on. We did let family hold and play with her, but we laid low and kept it to just the three of us for the most part for the first few months.

Here are some ideas to help your family learn about attachment:

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  Set ground rules early. If you decide that you don’t want anyone else providing your child’s primary needs (changing, bathing, holding, feeding, comforting) tell your family up front. This is a conversation that could definitely be had before you get home with your new little one, and that will allow your family to digest the news that they can’t just squeeze, feed and love on the baby until you say so.


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  Keep the lines of communication open, but be ready to stand your ground. Encourage them to ask questions, but you don’t need to tolerate any negative feedback about your decisions. You are the parent.
  


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  Provide them with articles and books on the topic of adoption and attachment.
  


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  Lead by example. If you are wearing your child in a sling or carrier, be sure to wear them around your family. While you play with your child, talk to you family about how you’re maintaining eye contact while playing. Let them learn from your actions.
  

Related Links:
When Your Family Won't Accept Your Child
Working On Attachment

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