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I have written in other posts about the importance of keeping your child’s story private, and wanted to offer some tips about how to do just that. When we were first learning about adoption, my husband and I had never given a second thought to keeping our daughter’s story private. It just wasn’t something that had occurred to us. Luckily, we were presented with the following scenario at our home study class:
Say you know that your child’s birth mother was a teenage drug and alcohol addict, and you readily share this information with your friends and family. Your child is now four or five years old and you haven’t yet shared his birth mother’s past with him. At a family party, one of your relatives starts making fun of young addicts and jokes about your child’s birth mother. Your son overhears this conversation, has no knowledge about what is being said and is clearly upset. Everyone in the room knew his story but him, and no one was taught to respect his history by keeping it private.
Here are some ideas about keeping your child’s history private:
- It all begins when you get your referral. Family and friends will want to know all about your child, and this is when you should start telling everyone that you have decided to keep her details private and she can share them when/if she ever wants to.
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As you talk to your child about their adoption, be very clear that it is her story to tell and she never has to share anything that she doesn’t want to, or isn’t comfortable with.
- Plan responses (role play if necessary) to strangers who ask about your child’s history. Your child will learn from watching you how to handle situations with the public. By being polite yet firm, all you need to say it ‘Her story is private, or ‘That’s personal information.’
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When your child reaches school age, or has questions earlier, arm them with how to respond to questions about their past. Depending on your child, help them decide how little or much they want to respond with and practice conversations with them. Again, instill in them that their story is theirs alone and it should be shared only if they choose to do so.
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