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I have noticed that many adoptive parents (notably of internationally adopted kids) have issues of guilt when it comes to their child’s birth culture. Well, perhaps guilt isn’t the best word choice, but there is definitely a lot of thinking going on about removing a child from their birth culture and not being able to completely and authentically replicate it. I too have had these thoughts and my feelings change depending on my mood, but I have mostly reserved myself to doing the best I can to instill a pride and knowledge of Vietnamese culture in Ella, even though it won’t be “as good as” growing up in Viet Nam.
The only way she could completely understand Viet Nam would be for her to have remained and grown up there. If she had grown up there she would have only known her baby center until she aged out and had to fend for herself and would never have known the love and affection of a doting family. When weighing the two issues, I feel that the family far outweighs the culture. Now, that’s not to say that culture is not important, because it absolutely is and we will do our best to ensure that Ella understands and appreciates where she is from, because her dad and I certainly do.
We need to remind ourselves to look at the whole (and much bigger) picture. Yes, it is true that we removed her from her culture. There are times that my heart aches that she will never get to know the land she was born in and we now love. But then I realize that her culture will never be forgotten and it will be celebrated. It will be celebrated right along with her new American ways, which are going to be what she considers normal. It all boils down to the fact that we’ve just got to do the best that we can.
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Culture, Heritage and Stereotypes
So true…
Though I don’t even understand what American culture is…
I’ve been following this blog for a couple of months and love to hear about Ella every week.
I don’t understand the ‘guilt’ from adoptive parents of international children. My husband and I are going through the process of adopting from Vietnam and because we are of Vietnamese heritage, I guess we’ll never understand that feeling.
I grew up in a predominantly Vietnamese community in New Orleans and have been exposed to both the Vietnamese and American cultures. Even children of fully Vietnamese families eventually stray away from their culture. Its not on purpose or anything they’re ashamed of. I think its just that instead of dwelling on what they’re supposed to be (Vietnamese), they are looking to the future and becoming who they want to be.
If the AP’s keep feeling this guilt, eventually the children will sense it and feel that they’ve been deprived of something. The best thing you can give them is love. I know I sound like I’m looking through rose-colored glasses.
Its like displacement. You replace one culture with another. They won’t know what’s missing unless you keep reminding them.
Chromesythia and thuydiemtran, thanks for writing.
Thuy…I absoultely agree with how the children could feel deprived if their parents feel so guilty about the culture issue that it’s passed on to them. I think that by making some part(s) of their birth culture a normal thing in the home; not forced, it will feel natural and their culture will become one that the family helps create.
I appreciate you sharing!
Rebecca