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There are times when I am quick on my feet and fully able to answer someone’s questions about adoption with answers that leave both the questioner and I satisfied. There are other times that I’m left feeling unsettled about the exchange and I wish I would have answered differently, phrased something in another way or offered information that I hadn’t thought to at the time. At a holiday gathering last week I was faced with a situation that fell somewhere in the middle of those two scenarios, but ultimately came out on the positive end.
While chatting with a family friend, our second adoption came up. She has asked questions about adoption before, so I wasn’t really surprised when the subject was broached. I’m always eager and open to talking, but do still find myself shocked when asked questions that clearly come from a place of complete ignorance. Basically, I was asked about the children that are available for adoption. She wanted to know if they were just bought for lot of money or if ‘they just really didn’t want them.’ I answered with the latter of the two choices, then one of our kids needed us and our conversation was abruptly cut to an end. I was left to stew in my response, feeling guilty and disappointed in myself for answering such a complex question with an answer that I don’t believe to be true 100 percent of the time. Sure, sometimes parents don’t want to be parents, but I think that a greater number of times, it’s that they can’t parent. They don’t have the resources, the family support, the means to keep their little one alive.
So when back in the same room a little bit later on in the evening and talking about something totally different, I said “you know…about why kids are placed for adoption…I really don’t think it’s because they’re not wanted. A lot of times it’s because the parents just can’t raise them. It’s sad, actually.” She agreed. I’m still annoyed with myself that I didn’t give that answer at first, but I am proud of myself for re-opening the conversation, sharing what I thought and hopefully giving her something to think about.
More Reading:
Dealing With the Public
How Much Did She Cost?
Saying Too Much
Relationship Assumptions
I kick myself too, when I blow the opportunity to give a great answer. Sometimes, it’s just the way it’s phrased that catches me off guard, sometime I’m just not in the frame of mind.
It’s great that you DID re-open the question, b/c often we don’t get the chance.
Happy New Year!!
I think you handled it well.