Hi there. I'm new here, but boy oh boy did your post hit home. It's funny how the insensitive comments about adoption/adopted children can come right out of the blue and sometimes I don't even realize we've been insulted until we get home! I recently had to defend myself in a clothing store (in this case, we did NOT have to get home before I realized we were being insulted) because my son was wandering around calling out for me amongst the clothing racks "Mommy, where are you?" I called back to him that "Mommy's right here" and he followed my voice past a woman who was standing near me. She looked at me and then looked down at my son and asked him if he'd lost his mommy and I repeated that I was indeed "right here" and she looked me right in the eye and said "HE is YOUR son?" I said "yes" and she actually attempted to grab my son's hand and said "Come on, let's go find your mommy" and I repeated loudly that "I am his MOTHER!" This woman persisted and asked me if I was with "Those people over there...are you WITH his mother?" Then she turned to my son and asked in a baby voice "Is this your mommy?" to which he replied "Hi Mommy" to me in a sort of confused and scared voice as he put his arms out for me to pick him up. I had to grab his hand and repeat that I was really, REALLY this child's mother! The woman actually asked my son again "Are you sure she's your mommy?" I have never been so insulted on so many levels in my life. I was so red with anger and frustration I could barely open the door to leave. I couldn't explain to my son why mommy was crying in the car, nor could I fathom why in the world this woman had been so insistant when it was so obvious that the boy was with me!
In the same vein, when my husband and I decided to adopt after dealing with infertility, my favorite insensitive comment became "You watch, as soon as you adopt you'll immediately get pregnant...that happened to my friend/sister/cousin etc.." as if somehow the adoption was going to be the catalyst for what we REALLY wanted which had to be a biological child, right? As if to say we'd end up with the most cherished prize of a "child of our own" as many put it and the booby prize of an adopted son that we were "saints" for adopting and saving from a life of bitter despair. So many people treat adopted children as if they're so obviously a second choice that it's okay to say it out loud. I hate to be harsh to the uninitiated, but if someone says to me one more time "He's so beautiful, is he yours?" Or, "He's a adopted? Do you have any children of your own?" I'm going to scream. I also dread the day when my son really starts to understand these comments. I ache inside just imagining him believing for one second that he isn't "my own" or is a second choice because he wasn't born to me. I don't plan to hold my breath while I wait for the world to understand adoption and validate my route to making a family. However, I do feel sorry for the first person who makes my son feel substandard or invalid because he's adopted...I know his mommy and she loves him fiercely in a way that only his mother can.

Gee, a tad bit sensitive, are we?
Banished someone to EX-friend status because of a simple friendly question which she was trying her darndest to ask in a way which didn't inadvertantly sound judgemental or insensitive?
Look, most people just don't understand why "Are you also considering having additional biological children?" and "Are you going to have one of your own, too?" sound so different to those of us who have chosen adoption (for any number of reasons).
I recommend carefully re-reading your email response to your EX-friend. Just as I'm sure she didn't intend to sound like an insensitive jerk, I'm sure you didn't intend to sound like a frothing-at-the-mouth politically-correct adoption-agenda nutjob. We are the ones who are doing something nonstandard so, yes, we are the ones who have to be hyperaware of how what we say sounds to others while nevertheless giving them slack for what they intended rather than what they actually said. It isn't fair, but it's reality.

[However, regarding the woman at the clothing store: She's just a flaming idiot]

Oh bugmenot,
Perhaps you misunderstood....I was not the one to end the friendship. I'm still left to wonder exactly why she chose to vacate my life. This all took place over a year ago, when I probably was extra sensitive (as I still am) but I absolutely did not overreact. I actually left the door open to try and get the conversation going with her, but that sadly (or not so sadly) never happened.

And I completely agree with you about the cashier.
Rebecca

Welcome Owensmama!
What an insane experience that you had in that store. The insensitive comments can be so infuriating and I understand how you feel.

How old is your son? Do you think that he is aware of what's being said about him by these strangers? I'm trying to prepare myself for when Ella reaches that stage.

Thanks for posting,
Rebecca

When I was a little kid (maybe 5), some kids were giving me a hard time about being adopted. I ran to my Grandma crying and she gave me the perfect comeback - She said that when kids tease me about adoption, just remind them that Joseph adopted Jesus. It worked like a charm.
The point being, we have to give our children ammunition, or tools if you will, to deal with these situations, because they will happen.

Thanks for the welcome, Rebecca. My son, Owen(who turned 3 in Feb and he's been with us for 2 years), is not aware of any differences or comments that I can see. However, I think he sensed something during our surreal experience with that woman at the store. Because of the prolonged nature of the exchange with this bizarre woman, he caught on that it was about him and whether or not I was his mother and he got scared when he sensed the tone and heard key words in our conversation. That was the biggest part of my anger with this woman was that she had obviously scared my child. But, Owen's just not tuned in to being adopted on a daily basis. We haven't really made his adoption a focus in our lives. He's been told he's adopted and we'll continue to talk to him about it forever, but we haven't gone out of our way to have heritage celebrations, cook Russian food or take him to Lantern Lighting Days at our Agency. His appearance is a startling contrast with ours, though, and I'm sure he'll become very aware of his difference from us soon enough. Kids in school will make sure he knows everything that's different about him.

I agree that most people really aren't trying to be insensitive, but you don't have to TRY to be insensitive to be careless with other human beings' feelings. In fact, I would say that's the nature of insensitivity itself...lack of awareness or lack of care. I'm always just amazed at what other people think is their business in general. I wonder what I'll do when Owen experiences his first "reality" regarding being adopted. I thought my plan was to give him the tools to deal with his adoption, but it amazes me how some situations can just blindside you. I was truly spooked by my experience in that clothing store. I just never expected to have to fight with anyone over my motherhood. So, I guess I'll have to teach Owen to expect the unexpected and hopefully I can do it in a way that doesn't label all of mankind insensitive and boorish.

As for being sensitive, I feel the right to hold tenderly and close to me the value of my family and I take exception to anyone who clumsily invades my peace with their ham-handed inquisitions. And, some questions that are considered rude in most of polite society somehow lose that title when it comes to the subject of adoption i.e. polite people would NEVER ask a stranger how much their mortgage is or how much they paid for their car or engagement ring, but those same people have asked me "How much did you have to pay for him?" I always just say "He's priceless."

I know I'm a bit behind on the comments, but there are so many mixed signals going out that the general population just don't know where to go anymore. I hope to someday adopt a child myself, but now find myself pregnant with my third. One woman on my pregnancy board has a 5 year old adopted son and they're now pregnant after multiple IVFs. She commented that they were very happy to be expecting a child of their own after all these years. If someone who has BTDT in relation to adoption makes a comment like that (which just about knocked me out of my chair, btw), how can you blame people with no inclination to ever adopt if they make the same or similar comments? Just a thought. I'm sorry that anyone has to deal with these comments.

Rebecca: Yes, I completely misunderstood. I'm so used to hearing how people lash out at friends/family for poorly worded questions that I read too much between the lines in your post. My apologies for assuming.

OwensMama: "How much did you have to pay for him" is perfect example of the kind of question which is not intended to be rude and not perceived as rude by the questioner. What they're actually (clumsily) asking is "I've always wondered... In general, how expensive is it to adopt a child?"
Adoption is a completely alien concept to most people, so they have no idea and are genuinely curious. It would be like someone from Mars asking you "How much did you pay for your house?" when what they really meant was "How much does a house cost on Earth?"
We should strive to hear the intent, not the words. (But by all means bite the heads off idiots like the clothing store woman :))

To All: I know my post came across rather harshly, and if I didn't exercise a great deal of understanding on a daily basis, I'd have to stop and argue with/educate every stranger I meet who comments on me and my child. I guess I was venting at how frustrating it can be when it seems as if the barrage of rude questions and comments NEVER stops. I feel like I never get to rest and just enjoy being a family because anyone and everyone is so curious/interested/nosey about why my son looks so different from his parents. I cannot so much as walk through the mall without receiving at least three comments about us i.e. "Where did you get him?", "Are you babysitting today?", "I have an aunt who adopted because she couldn't get pregnant either." (That last one just KILLED me, by the way because it came completely unsolicited and without me saying a word) On and on it goes. Assumptions and prodding into my private life that never ceases. Some would argue that I should've anticipated this when I decided to adopt and I did, but like so many experiences in life it's hard to truly grasp aftermath until you're in the thick of it.

So, with that said, I absolutely agree that these people do not mean me or my family any harm and it's surely curiosity that drives them to pry and ask invasive questions or announce assumptions regarding my fertility to everyone in the checkout aisle at the grocery store. I have to wonder, though, how much is this constant singling-out goint to effect my son? I wonder how I will teach him to handle it if he needs it and deep down I resent these well-meaning commentators for being so insensitive around a tender little boy. I also happen to believe that it doesn't help (in this situation) that the media has driven the high-profile celebrities' adoptions into something many people see as a trendy thing to do. (I am in no way blaming any celebrity at any time in any way for adopting or saying in any way that they shouldn't adopt for any reason...I don't wanna open that can of worms here and it's not the way I feel anyway.) My son is not an accessory and asking about him is not the same as asking me where I got my cute shoes or purse. I wonder how Angelina does it? I guess I'd better figure out how to let this all roll off of me, because I'll have a daughter to teach soon :)

OwensMama, I think we feel your frustration. You lost no respect over it. It is incredible sometimes what people say. Do we respond in kind or kindly respond? I don't know. I struggled with it as an adoptee and I struggle now as an adoptive mother. Our daughter is almost 2, and I believe she observes and internalizes a lot of what goes on. It makes me angry when I think of her being scared because some idiot adult.....
True story. I'll keep it short. We were eating in a restaurant (my mother, my husband, my daughter and I) and this older couple with 2 kids were glaring at us from the next table. When Mother and DH went to the cashier these people approached and the man actually said, "Why the Hell would you adopt a (n-word)?" With my daughter sitting there!!! I always thought that I would take somebody's head off when that happened. When you're Caucasian, your husband is Asian and your child is African-American, you basically need to plan for these things. Anyway, something completely surprising came out of my mouth. I just looked at him, and then his grandkids (I think) and I said kind of softly, "When I say my prayers tonight, I'm going to pray for you." He was mortified and shuffled away with the kids and his wife in tow. Where the HECK did that come from? I have no clue. It worked, though.
I guess my point is, no matter how prepared we think we are and how we arm our children, sometimes its out of our hands. That doesn't mean we shouldn't prepare, but sometimes moments bring what they choose, not what we choose.

jpdakota, what else could you say to such a person? I applaud your self control and I'm sorry that happened to you and your family. It is my hope for myself that I always try to respond in a way that is a good example for my son and does no harm to anyone whose comments weren't made with ill intent. I can't say my knee-jerk reaction to what happened to you would have been the same as yours, but now that you've told me about it, I know I'll have the perfect response if anything equally as ignorant and mean is ever said to me or my children. Thanks :)

jpdakota: As much as I preach patience and attempting to understand where the other person is coming from... I'd probably have just punched the guy (and been charged with assault). I greatly admire your restraint.

bugmenot, that's ok :) I'm certainly guilty of assumption making (especially on the written word) and I understand.

jpdakota - wow. That is amazing. Your comment has been running in my head for a few days now and I'm still impressed. There would have been no use trying to educate such a closed mind and the fact that you caused him embarassment is awesome!!! I hope that you caused him to think about his belief system and lack of verbal control. What an awesome example to set for your daughter.

owensmama - I so feel for you. Honestly, after reading your comments I thought "where does she live to have to endure such comments all the time?" I'm so sorry that you have to deal with it without any reprieve. I have trouble letting things roll off my back too, so I understand!

thanks for posting everyone!!!

veronika-wow! that "of my own" comment came out of the mouth of an adoptive mom?!? wow-I would've been knocked out of my chair too. Of course, we know she means biological--I just hope she doesn't refer only to her bio kid as her own and not her adopted child.
thanks for commenting :)

WOW!! I know what you ladies mean. We haven't got our daughters yet but the questions are already coming. Like don't you want your own child? What's the matter, can you not have any children? Are you sure you want to adopt? I talked to a friend of mine who has two little girls from China and she gave me a great comeback to the #1 question she gets and I will share it with you. Question: Why did you go there (meaning the country) to get her? Answer: Because that is where she was and God pointed the way out to me so I could go get my daughter. She said that this way, she has shut them up from asking other questions which are none of their business and her daughters know that they are #1 to her not the booby price.

We are still in the process of looking for an agency for VietNam. We were in the China process, but a new requirement disqualified us (one incident 16 years ago as a teen - that I could have lied about - no record. but i am one of those idiodic honest people).
Anyway, I get the infertility question all the time - even after explaining that we chose to adopt rather than to try to get pregnant. Even from my doctors that urge me to try. It is something that never even entered my mind - that women in line at the grocery will pity me because they think I am infertile.
I am from an adoptive family, so I have the first-hand knowledge that your adopted child is no different than your biological ones. My parents did want to make sure that my husband was really on bored because his family is MUCH different and obsessed with blood relation. But it is strange how people find eachother - both of us know that this is what we are suppose to do. We don't need a child to look like us. I look at my sister (adopted from Japan 37 years ago) and she is exactly like my mother - same gestures, same laugh. It is truly a beautiful thing!
Good luck to all of you - looks like there are some great parents out there. I just joined this blog, so I will be around more as we search for an agency, then for our child.
Thanks!

Welcome hopetobemama!! :) Best of luck to you as you research agencies--if I can be of any help, just let me know!
Take care,
Rebecca

I am still amazed how people come right out and ask why we can't have "kids of our own." Sienna is my own and for all we know we can conceive. Adoption was our first choice and Sienna will know that. I just wish others would quit judging us before they even talk to us. I do answer questions, but I guess it just gets old.

Sarah, I wish they would quit the judging too-it can get tiresome. Sienna is absolutely your own, and she is also such a cutie!!! :)