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The subject of adoptive parents choosing to adopt more girls than boys is one that is discussed regularly in adoption circles. While it’s a common topic of conversation, I’ve been seeing those conversations gain momentum over the last few weeks. I have been following a discussion about the preference to adopt girls over on a Viet Nam adoption listserv that I read and the responses have proved very interesting. I’ve been mulling it around in my head for a few days, and was happy to read Erin’s post about this very subject over on the transracial adoption blog this morning, as it inspired me to get writing.
I feel drawn to this conversation because of my own choice….my husband and I decided to adopt a daughter, and we will be doing the same when we adopt again. Although this is a very personal decision that I am thrilled with, there are some times that I notice myself feeling guilty for my choice. What about the boys? Have I/am I deserting them by adopting a little girl? I feel that it’s time that I take a step back and feel confident and proud in my decisions. There’s no saying that we will never adopt a boy; it is certainly not out of the question. It’s just that right now, that’s not what we choose to do. I’m not trying to justify my decisions (because I don’t feel there’s any need to,) but just wanted to share some of my thoughts and experiences on the subject.
Coming into adoption after the loss of a child changed our views/wants/needs drastically. There are times when I need to remind myself that the fact that we are not ready to parent a male child (which I realize is tied to the fact that my child who passed away was a son,) does not make us lesser people or lesser parents. In fact, I’m rather proud of my husband and myself for recognizing and realizing our emotions and abilities and understanding what we can (and cannot) handle. And of course I am completely in love with my daughter and wouldn’t have/couldn’t have asked for more. We were certainly brought together by some higher power, and I feel that would have occurred regardless of what sex preference we indicated.
We all make decisions and choices based on what is best for ourselves and our families. Requesting a girl, for my family, was the right decision. I know that there must be many factors as to why a family would request to adopt a girl, and even though I fall into that category, it does shock and puzzle me that the percentage is so high. I think it just all boils down to personal decisions made for various personal reasons. Here are some other articles about this topic that I enjoyed reading:
What’s Wrong With Boys? Part 1
What’s Wrong With Boys? Part 2
What’s Wrong With Boys? Part 3
Girls need great families too. If you are ever blessed with another boy(s) you will very likely enjoy him very much. We have four of the creatures, they are awesome!
Thank you Sue, and I wholeheartedly agree
Very sorry to hear about the loss of your son.
Just MHO, boys and girls need homes, and every child SHOULD have a loving parent or two, but my gut says girls need a home a little more than boys do. First, there’s less chance (though certainly still a chance) of sexual abuse against boys than against girls. Second, girls tend to be much more social than boys, which might not fair well in orphanage settings. Third, boys seem to be a bit more resilient to emotional turmoil than girls are (or at least express their difficulties in less self-destructive ways). So, I wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all.
Ironically, we decided before we got married to adopt 2 children and have 2. Since we were adopting, we figured we could ensure that we had 2 of each gender. Since we had 2 girls, we are adopting 2 boys. The irony is that I sometimes feel guilty about NOT adopting the girls for all of the reasons above.
HTH you come to peace with your decision.
BTW – I think it would be different, though still not out of line, if you said, I’ll only adopt a girl and if none are available, my home is not open, because then you are leaving behind a little boy. But, as it is, unfortunately, there are plenty of both genders that need homes, so just feel pride that you are opening your home up to them.
MHO,
Kate